I'm not actually practising zazen, or trying to. But I do spend a lot of time 'sitting quietly, doing nothing', letting my thoughts ramble here, there and everywhere, only trying to divert them when I notice they are getting too morbid, or notice myself beginning to wallow in self-pity.
This task of ordering my thoughts and writing them down is doing me good. It brings me ever closer to a conclusion. (James Robertson: The Testament of Gideon Mack)
Sunday, 27 February 2022
Wednesday, 16 February 2022
Toenails
After about two months, maybe even more, I've finally managed today to wash my feet and cut my toenails. Doesn't look like a big deal, but in a sense it is; the mere fact that I've finally forced myself to try is encouraging: maybe there's still hope I'll gradually become able to manage again some more difficult tasks as well.
Tuesday, 15 February 2022
Vertigo
It seems like no matter the time of day I can no longer stand or walk for more than a couple of seconds before hypotension makes me feel like fainting. For weeks now I haven't even dared to go dowstairs to check my letter box, let alone carry out the rubbish. It's the worst before sunrise though: occasionally when going to the loo (having recurring bouts of skitters as well) in the early morning it feels like I'm on the verge of a heart attack.
I don't know how long I'll be able to go on like this.