Pseudo -zazen

I'm not actually practising zazen, or trying to. But I do spend a lot of time 'sitting quietly, doing nothing', letting my thoughts ramble here, there and everywhere, only trying to divert them when I notice they are getting too morbid, or notice myself beginning to wallow in self-pity.

Toenails

After about two months, maybe even more, I've finally managed today to wash my feet and cut my toenails. Doesn't look like a big deal, but in a sense it is; the mere fact that I've finally forced myself to try is encouraging: maybe there's still hope I'll gradually become able to manage again some more difficult tasks as well.

Vertigo

It seems like no matter the time of day I can no longer stand or walk for more than a couple of seconds before hypotension makes me feel like fainting. For weeks now I haven't even dared to go dowstairs to check my letter box, let alone carry out the rubbish. It's the worst before sunrise though: occasionally when going to the loo (having recurring bouts of skitters as well) in the early morning it feels like I'm on the verge of a heart attack.

I don't know how long I'll be able to go on like this.