Calum Cille aig 1,500 bliadhna

An-dè, theab mi gun a mhothachadh gum b' e 1,500 bliadhna bhon rugadh Calum Cille. Dh'fhàg sin beagan brònach mi.

O, chan ann gur e Crìostaidh a tha annam. Ach b' e samhla eile den astar a dh'fhàs eadar mise is saoghal na Gàidhlig. Saoghal anns an robh ùidh cho mhòr agam grunn bhliadhnaichean air ais, saoghal air a bhiodh mi a' gabhail beachd cho dian - agus a' faighinn tlachd cho mòr bho sin. O chionn ghoirid, cha mhòr nach robh naidheachdan BhBC an aon cheangal agam ris.

Ach mar a tha mi a-nis a' feuchainn dòigh mo bheatha atharrachadh, ga h-ùrachadh, tha mi a' feuchainn tilleadh faisg air an t-saoghal sin cuideachd.

Quote: Malachy Tallack: The Valley at the Centre of the World

He was terrified of losing everything he had, so he’d convinced himself he had nothing to lose.

(about Sandy's father, p 98)

Maybe that's one of the mistakes I did myself after discovering I was probably exiled forever: having had lost so much throughout my life I convinced myself I'd lost everything, and consequently also lost all interest in the future, carrying on merely out of inertia and remnants of defiance.

Storm Arwen

A few days ago I received a notice that on next week's Tuesday there would be no electricity between about 8am and 4pm. My first thought was how would I survive eight winter hours without warm tea or coffee (and little laptop time). Later I realised that in comparison with people who had to wait for several (some as many as nine) days to have their electricity supply restored I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Cion thoiteanan

Obh obh. Dhiùlt mo phiuthar toiteanan a cheannach dhomh tuilleadh, agus am pasgan mu dheireadh agam. Tha mi 'n dòchas gum bi mo bhrùthadh-fala àrd gu leòr a-màireach, 's gum bi an neart agam am flat fhàgail airson a' chiad turais bhon 18 an t-Samhain, 's ri dhol gan ceannach leam fhìn. Tha mi a' faireachdainn an-dràsta gur dòcha gun soirbhich leam, ach chì sinn.

Advices and Queries - 41

"Try to live simply. A simple lifestyle freely chosen is a source of strength. Do not be persuaded into buying what you do not need or cannot afford."

There at least is one precept I've been trying to follow throughout my life, and fairly succesfully. Maybe with the exception of books, but that I'm told is common to Quakers themselves.

Astérix ; des béquilles

Pour la plupart de la journée (quand je ne dormais pas) je lisais La Grande Traversée, un album Astérix que je n'ai connu pas : aussi bon que les autres. Je l'ai commencé et fini ; apparemment mon français n'est pas toujours complètement rouillé (du moins, mon français passif).

Et au soir ma sœur et mon beau-frère sont venus : ils m'ont apportés des béquille. Nous espérons qu'elles m'aideront à marcher avec mon hypotension. J'ai essayé et c'est un peu meilleur ; mais je verrai dans la nuit.

Fainted

Today was another low. Adjusting the Venetian blinds in the morning I noticed the whiteout approaching, but trying to sit down on my bed either tripped or didn't sit well enough. Anyway, a moment later I realised I was sitting on the floor, with the clothes horse fallen (must have knocked it over when falling) and a pain at the back of my head. Strangely, it felt as though I were waking up from a dream.

There was nothing broken except the skin of my skull, which I must have bumped against the open door leaf of the wardrobe, but as this hasn't happened before it's quite disconcerting. I'm even more worried now each time I have to go the few long, long meters to the loo - and I have to do that quite often.

An additional bad aspect was that of course I had nobody to tell and get solace from.

Fuar

Chan eil am brùthadh-fala ìosal agam cho dona an-diugh 's a bha e fad beagan làithean, ach tha a' bhuinneach air ais, agus airson adhbhar air choireigin, tha mi fuar. 'S mathaid oir bha mi fuar tron oidhche. Fear de na rudan as lugha orm sa bhaile seo, 's e an àbhaist an teasachadh-meadhain (no teasachadh air astar) a chur dheth buileach eadar deich uairean feasgar is sia sa mhadainn. Amadain.

St Andrew's Day

On Friday the first snow of this year: it was falling virtually throughout the daylight hours and untypically settled, rather than thawed immediately or before the next morning. In fact it still remains on the grass and some roofs, with the help of a bit more snowfall on Saturday and today. So everything is that wee bit nicer now. Given that the minimum daily temperature had already been falling close to zero for some time, I think I can proclaim winter as begun, whatever astronomers may think about it.

After all, unless I'm mistaken, meteorologists will proclaim it as begun tomorrow.

Chemo round 2 ... and sister

Back in 2016 and last winter I had hardly any symptoms as a result of chemotherapy. However, I don't bear this FOLFOX one well. It makes me extremely tired and sleepy, and worst of all, a complete loss of appetite meant that during the three days of this round I ate almost nothing at all. But I survived and after having the pump removed yesterday my sister drove me back with three boxes of PEG food, which I began taking today. Hopefully it'll help me gradually put on some weight again, I'm around 47kg right now.

Incidentally I always suspected my symptoms resulting from various diseases were at least 50 per cent psychosomatic. So it's no surprise that after the pump's removal and later a short but pleasant chat with my sister at my place (the first such chat I've had with anybody since August) I felt much better, not just mentally but physically as well, despite the undernourishment and continuing lack of appetite.

I must wangle it so I see her more often. Likewise mail my other friends more often, blog more and become generally more involved on the Web again ...

Bent double

Another major problem is that the combination of belly ache and hypotension forces one into a stooping posture, whether one is standing or sitting. The vicious circle here is that the more time one spends bent double, the more the body gets used to it, seems to need it, so the more time one spends bent double. It's like addiction, in a way.

These days, I can hardly remain with my body straight for more than a few minutes at a time. Apart from the loss of time when walking somewhere or doing something on my laptop, when one stops to 'stoop and rest', this also means I can't have my hair cut or something done about my two incisors which have falled out quite recently (it never rains but it pours), because I couldn't stay in the barber's or dentist's chair for long enough for them to complete their tasks.

Advices and Queries - 29

"Although old age may bring increasing disability and loneliness, it can also bring serenity, detachment and wisdom."

Unfortunately, while the former are now taking an increasingly heavy toll on me, the latter seem hardly to be even beginning to approach.

Wasted mornings

One of my main problems these days is starting them too late. Of course, when I have some appointment, I only get up early enough to be there on time, and after returning and resting after the effort not much of the day is left; that's only to be expected. But even when there is no delay of this sort, I spend so much time lying in bed, whether dozing or reading some book, that by the time I finally find the moral strength to get out of bed and face the day, it's usually already the afternoon. Given how much time I have to spend resting between individual activities, and given that I go to sleep again well before midnight, there is obviously never time enough to eat enough, drink enough, perform all the desirable bodily maintenance and housework, check the news, answer emails, do enough language studies and so on.

As a consequence, despite my being on sick leave, my body continues to deteriorate and my backlog of various things to do is growing, rather than decreasing. Which in turn makes me weaker and more zestless, thus more prone to lie in for too long in the morning, and the vicious circle continues.

Terry Pratchett: Snuff

'My mum always told me money can’t buy you happiness, sir.’

Yes, Vimes thought, so did my ma, but she was glad enough when I gave her my first wages, because it meant we could have a meal with meat in it, even if we didn’t know what kind of meat it was. That’s happiness, isn’t it? Blimey, the lies we tell ourselves …

(Feeney Upshot & Sam Vimes, p 117)

It is refreshing to read a favourite author of yours attacking a cliché which has a grain of truth in it but has by constant repetition been turned into something very remote from it. Because of course there are some sorts of happiness no amount of money can buy, like true friendship or having good luck, but there are likewise many sorts of happiness that you absolutely can buy for money, from good food and drink to a comfortable home to a pleasant trip or book and so on and so forth ...

 

The flit

Amongst the things I failed to blog about was the moving of the flat in mid-July. It went exceptionally well, no doubt partly because the night before I worried so much I could scarcely sleep. I worried that, in my emaciated state, moving the desk with a friend of mine might be beyond my power; in the event we actually managed to move virtually all my possessions at one go.

The following day I handed the old flat over to the landlord, which went smoothly as well; I later even received about a third of the deposit. Considering I had expected something between zero and a half, it could be called a success.

J. D. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye

 

That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any.  You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.

(Holden Caulfield)

For me the problem isn't about visual but about auditory pollution, but otherwise I absolutely agree: as soon as you find someplace that feels 'nice and peaceful', pretty soon somebody will start DIY, blethering or even shouting, playing music, whatever to make the place no longer peaceful. The only way to prevent this is simply being somewhere where there are no people.

But that, of course, has problems of its own.

 

Hösten

Well, the hated summer is finally over. It was even harder to get through than usual this year, but it seems that somehow I've managed. I weigh less than 50 kilo, suffer from bellyache and backache on a daily (or rather, nightly) basis, can hardly stand or walk without bending forward for more than a couple of minutes, blurred vision began reoccuring, dozing off during the day is often a must, skitters basically chronic, and so on; most worrying of all, there were recently even some signs of possible old-age incontinence.

But the temperatures are eventually back to normal, and after resting for a week, doing more or less nothing but lying in bed and reading, I've started at last a serious attempt to get back in shape, pull myself together and (re)commence doing all those things I've been, willy-nilly, neglecting for months. Like blogging, for instance.

Terry Pratchett: Going Postal

 

There was work to do. It was dull, but it had to be done. So he did it.

(about Moist von Lipwig, p 440)

One of the few things I pride myself on is this: I'm certainly no friend of doing useless work, but when something has to be done, I'm not in the habit of shirking it or 'delegating' it to somebody else. It has to be done, so it will. Maybe that's why my flaws were often forgiven by my employers: they knew that if I get a dull but reasonable task I'll just go and do it, rather than look for excuses like far too many of the others.

Bannie Day 2021

Many years ago I began calling the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn 'Bannie Day' and celebrating it as one of the days which divided the year into its four seasons. It was a bit fanciful even then, and has become completely so by now, with summer beginning in May at the very latest, but old habits die hard (and following weather forecast for back home tells me it often still begins there in June).

Anyway, here's to summer - that is to say, to it being as short as possible. Then again, I'm about to move flat and there are indications that in the new accommodation I may just about be able to keep the indoor temperature well below the 30C which I sometimes can't get rid of here for what seems like eternity.

In the meantime, I'm simply trying to survive.

Paul Greer: Less

 

They might have done, many of them. So many people will do. But once you've actually been in love, you can't live with "will do"; it's worse than living with yourself.

(p 14)

This can be a problem not just with romantic relationships. Of course, like everybody I often do use and even enjoy substitutes for the real thing: e-reader for a printed book, e-cig for a tobacco one, masturbation for sex and so on. But I guess that just as often a substitute is even worse than total absence: an obvious example is the preferability of silence to music one doesn't like, or even music one likes but isn't at the moment in the mood for. And I remember how after my three boon companions in a certain town left it shortly one after another, I began visiting different pubs - on my own, because meeting those left reminded me about the absence of those three more painfully than solitude.